“Ok, everyone who is not a woman stop talking.” -Mika Brezensky, October 30, 2018, Morning Joe

“Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it.” -Lao Tzu

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” -George Carlin

“I like to hold the ball.  I feel like that really disrupts the base runners.” -Max Scherzer pitching for the Detroit Tigers

“Going to the pet store drunk is like going to the grocery store hungry.  Blah, blah, blah I own an iguana now.” -TinySparks at Mr. Jeremy Horn, Twitter

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” -Oscar Wilde

“And speaking of cartoon characters with apparent drug problems, how come Donald Duck has been going around for 50 years wearing a shirt but no pants?” -Dave Barry Talks Back

“A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” -Emo Phillips

“Don’t worry about making waves simply by being yourself. The moon does it all the time.” -Scott Stabile / Twitter @DrKellyCampbell

“Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original in your work.” -Gustave Flaubert

“Life is full of obstacle illusions.” -Grant Frazier

The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be.” -Robert Fulghum

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” -Maureen Dowd

“I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.” -Arthur Rubinstein

“Tweeting this from the White House. The Obamas look so peaceful sleeping.” -Conan O’Brien

“A good hockey player plays where the puck is. A great hockey player plays where the puck is going to be.” -Wayne Gretzky

“What is this compulsion to have people over to your house and serve them food and talk to them?” -Larry David

“Two men look out through the same bars. One sees the mud and one the stars.” -Frederick Langbridge

“Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not one bit simpler.” -Albert Einstein

“Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you’ve got to say, and say it hot.” -D.H.Lawrence

“If you have a talent, use it in every which way possible. Don’t hoard it. Don’t dole it out like a miser. Spent it lavishly like a millionaire intent on going broke.” -Brendan Francis

“Don’t forgive, never forget, and do unto others before they do unto you.” -J.R.Ewing, Dallas

“Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

“We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.” -Ethel Barrett”

“A bit of fragrance clings to the hand that gives flowers.” -proverb

“Voters may vote after the deadline, provided that they were in line when the clock struck seven.” -Jason Linkins, “Long Lines in Virginia” Huffington Post, November 6, 2012

“You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I’m telling you why. Most of you are going to hell.” -God @TheTweetof God, Twitter

“You can’t think yourself out of a writing block, you have to write yourself out of a thinking block.” -John Rogers

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.” -Steven Wright

“There’s math, and then everything else is debatable.” -Chris Rock to Jerry Seinfeld, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee

“You know you’re beginning to fascinate me, and I resent that in any man.” -Aunt Hortense, The Gay Divorcee

“If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter.” -T.S.Eliot

“To my mathematical brain, the numbers alone make thinking about aliens perfectly rational.” -Stephen Hawking, El Pais, September 25, 2015

“The underlying message of all his direction is:  You are enough. I don’t need more than you. I don’t need less than you. You’re enough.” -David Hyde Pierce about Mike Nichols, Vanity Fair, October 2015

“The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.” -Jean Kerr

“There’ll be two dates on your tombstone

And all your friends will read ’em

But all that’s gonna matter is that little dash between ’em” -Kevin Welch

“As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind; every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.” -John Glenn

“I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.” -Arthur C. Clarke

“Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women like to be a man’s last romance.” -Oscar Wilde

“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.” -John B. Priestly

“If I’d asked my customers what they wanted, they’d have said a faster horse.” -Henry Ford

“The best that most of us can hope to achieve in physics is simply to misunderstand at a deeper level.” -Wolfgang Pauli

“Is the brain the producer or reducer of consciousness?” -Whitley Strieber, Jeffrey J. Kripal Super Natural

“Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn’t, they’d be married too.” -H.L.Mencken

“I started a new dating website.  It’s called ‘Go Outside'” -Keenan Thompson, Saturday Night Live

“Don’t be afraid.” -Donald Trump, 60 Minutes, November 13, 2016

“Quotation:  The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.” -Ambrose Bierce

“Give me my pipe and slippers and a beautiful woman, and you can have my pipe and slippers.” -Niki Charles, Song of the Thin Man

“It’s our job to investigate the un-explained, not to explain the un-investigated.” -George Knapp, KLAS TV Las Vegas / Radio host Coast to Coast a.m

“Being the best is great. You’re the number one. Being unique is greater, you’re the only one.” -Anonymous

“A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.” -Unknown

“You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.” -Naguib Mahfouz

“We’ll always have Paris.” -Nick (Humphrey Bogart) to Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman), Casablanca

“Is there anything better than to be longing for something, when you know it is within reach?” -Greta Garbo

“If you want a happy ending, that depends of course on where you stop your story.” -Orson Welles

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